It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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