I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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