All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
