i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
