I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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