she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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