My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's shark week go big or go home
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
