theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
