maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
