I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
