my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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