I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
