I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
