I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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