she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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