Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
