soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
