please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
