I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
