I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We had to coat check the pizza.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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