I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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