She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
