i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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