I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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