Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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