I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
