The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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