Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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