oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
