Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
