I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
