you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
