Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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