i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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