I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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