Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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