I feel like abortions should bother me more
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
