2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
