I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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