there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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