Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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