24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
