also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
