If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
