if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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