he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
