i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
