That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
