hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
All the doctor said was why
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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