if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
