I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
