my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
