It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
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My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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