i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
